


Soundtrack

by Boj



Category: Women's Hockey RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-05-15 20:28:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5798818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boj/pseuds/Boj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An album representing the ups and downs of a journey with Knighter & Kess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Miss You

**Author's Note:**

> "I miss you when the lights go out  
> It illuminates all of my doubts  
> Pull me, hold me tight  
> Don't let go, baby give me light"  
> \- Adele, I Miss You
> 
> Set during the hockey season of 2014-2015.

    Hilary slung her bag over her shoulder, grabbed her sticks and wondered if Amanda ever missed it.

She wondered if Amanda missed hockey.

If she missed that hockey rink smell, and the first breath of cold air when she took stepping out onto the ice.

If she missed the little things, like the satisfying, crisp look a freshly taped stick had, or the way her legs ached after a day at the weight room.

If she missed the sweat dripping down her face, her heart pounding with adrenaline and excitement.

If she missed that badass feeling of blocking a shot, or the thrill of seeing the puck in the back of the net.

If she missed the silent locker rooms right before a game or the laughing, rowdy ones afterwards.

If she missed the feeling of flying, as she glided down the ice.

If she missed the early morning practices, or the late ones that stretched far into the night.

   As she walked through the empty hallway, Hilary wondered if Amanda missed her.

She wondered if Amanda missed her like she missed Amanda, deep, dark and heart breaking.

If Amanda ever woke up in the middle of the night and had to scroll through her camera roll to find pictures of them, scared she'd forgotten what Hilary looked like.

If she had ever thought she had spotted Hilary in a crowd, only to be disappointed when the tall, brown haired stranger had turned around and reveled their face.

If she had ever considered adding plane tickets to her cart and clicking "buy" before exiting out of the window and deleting her search history.

If she'd sat waiting for a call that'd never come, phone clenched in her hand.

  But most of all, as Hilary opened the door and walked outside, she wondered if Amanda even missed it at all. 

 


	2. All My Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now I see clearly  
> It's you I'm looking for  
> All of my days  
> Soon I'll smile  
> I know I'll feel this loneliness no more  
> All of my days"
> 
> \- Alexi Murcdoch, All My Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set February 5th, 2016.

It was the best fourteen dollars and ninety-five cents Hilary had ever spent. She'd admit that BTN was a little pricy, but this monthly package meant she could watch the Wisconsin games too. 

She had a game on Saturday and she really should've been asleep already. But here she was, huddled under a blanket, laptop balancing precariously on her knees and her trademark snapback on.

She squinted at the grainy video footage, watching a flood of golden jerseys stream out onto the ice. Two, five, six, and then seven ran out onto the ice, making wide loops around the net. And then, finally the number she had been waiting for. 

She knew it was her even before she stepped out onto the ice. Even before the crowd rose to their feet, even before she caught a glimpse of that blonde ponytail and a maroon eight was flashed across the screen.

Hilary watched the entire game, her eyes glued to the screen from the first puck drop to the final buzzer. She groaned along with the crowd when shots clanged off the pipe, she cheered when they scored and yelled at the refs before remembering that she had neighbors. She watched the passes, the faceoffs, and everything in between. 

But most of all, she watched that familiar blonde ponytail and the large smile that came with it. She sat alone in her darkened apartment grinning at her laptop like a fool. The game ended and she waited, her laptop hot against her legs and her eyelids heavy, fighting against sleep. She waited as they announced the three stars of the game. 

Out they came, making wide circles and waving before ducking back into the darkened hallway. Finally, the last golden jersey sprinted out onto the ice, her blonde hair now swept into a high ponytail and a large maroon number eight prominently displayed across her back. Hilary watched as the biggest smile stretched across her face, her eyes sparkling when she waved to the crowd. And one thousand, one hundred and twenty-two miles away, Hilary let out a breathe she didn't realized she'd been holding, a watery smile brushed across her face. 

Amanda Kessel was back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amanda's back, and everyone should be extremely happy about it.


	3. Almost Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My back is turned on you  
> I should've known you'd bring me heartache  
> Almost lovers always do
> 
> \- Almost Lover, A Fine Frenzy

Amanda toyed with her pen, flicking it across the table and watching it roll back and forth. Half an hour into her third lecture about sports marketing and she was already bored. Her phone buzzed and for a second she contemplated being a good student before reaching into her backpack and pulling it out.

She figured it was probably from the team group chat, maybe Hannah reminding them that lift started at four. Or she thought it could be from her mom, making sure she taped the Penguins game.

Her phone buzzed again, reminding her that she still hadn't looked at the text bubble that illuminated her screen. She sighed, and glanced down at her phone.  
It was from Lee.

"Urgent house you now!!!"

While Amanda wondered why she was needed at their house so desperately, she couldn't help but grin at Lee's (rare) usage of bad grammar. It must've been bad if she felt the need for three exclamation points.

She guessed that Sidney had dropped a muffin pan all over the oven (for the third time) or that Dani had left popcorn in the microwave for twenty minutes instead of two (again). They were good at hockey she mused, just not cooking.

She was however, thrilled that she had an excuse to get out of "sports marketing and franchises semester II" and gathered up her half finished notes. With a promise from the swimmer that sat next to her to text her the remaining notes, and her backpack swung over her shoulder, she headed out.

The early spring air was unusually warm for this time of year, especially in Minnesota. She shrugged off her layers, and stuffed her sweatshirt into her backpack. The lecture hall wasn't to far from their house, and it was pretty close to the rink which made it easier to get to practices on time.

Amanda was thankful for that, mopeds and snow didn't mix that well in the winter and the less time she had to spend outdoors the better.

Their porch was littered with a random assortment of things; shoes, hockey sticks, some old WCHA banners and an American flag was struggling to stay draped over the railing. But, she wouldn't have it any other way. Lee, Dani, and Sid made great housemates and while cluttered, she loved their dinky little college house. Besides, it was great for parties.

Amanda could hear some faint yelling coming from inside. She strained her neck, trying to pick out what they were saying. She though she heard Lee or maybe it was Dani say something about "haven't seen her in months". She stepped closer to the door, catching a few words of retaliation from Sidney.

"I'm sure that she'd be-" Amanda inwardly groaned as a large truck drove past, cutting off whatever Sid was saying.

"But what if she-" Dani said.

"How are we going to tell her that-" Lee responded simultaneously.

Amanda's hopes of understanding the conversation were lost as all three Gophers began to talk loudly and over one another. She shrugged, although the snippets of conversation she had listened to sounded interesting, she figured that they were probably just planning a surprise party or visit for the team.

They were pretty predicable after all. Besides, ease dropping while it wasn't necessarily horrible, it wasn't super polite. She figured her best bet was to just forget about this and act surprised when they threw her a party or when Rachel, Bethany or some other alumni showed up.

She fished her keys out of her pocket and stepped inside. The screen door snapped shut behind her, announcing her arrival and sharply cutting off the distant hum of conversation. She dumped her backpack on to their couch and slipped off her sneakers, making her way to the kitchen.

"So, what happened now? Popcorn catch on fire again?" Amanda asked, stifling a laugh as she glanced around the small kitchen.

The three Gophers looked like they had yelled "look normal!" at each other and scattered across the room seconds before she arrived.

Sid was half hidden behind the fridge door and Lee was perched on top of the counter, inspecting an orange like her life depended on it. Dani was awkwardly sprawled in a chair, she looked like she had taking a running start and jumped onto it.

Sid emerged from the refrigerator with a half empty Gatorade in hand which she tossed to Lee.

The tall goalie answered her question, "no, Dani didn't burn anymore popcorn. We just wanted to, uh.." She trailed off, turning to Lee for help.

Lee sighed before unscrewing the Gatorade top and taking a long drink. She fiddled with the orange cap, placing the bottle back onto the counter.

"What Sid is trying,"--she glared back over at the goal keeper-- "and failing to say is that we were wondering what you wanted to do for the end of the season banquet."

"Party. She means the end of season party," Dani cut in, as she rose from her chair and crossed the room to stand by Lee. The left winger leaned up against the counter, fiddling with her necklace.

"Well I don't know, aren't the underclass men usually in charge of that?" Amanda asked as she grabbed a mug out of cabinet.

The stairs squeaked, and as she turned around to grab the coffee pot, she missed the urgent glances that they were shooting at each other. Amanda stood to face them, her back to the door as the warm coffee began to heat up her mug.

"Yeah, the underclass men were wondering what to do though, about the party."

"We don't want to screw anything up," Sid added, as the stair squeaking intensified.

"You guys, what's going on?" Amanda questioned before taking a sip of her coffee. She cringed as it burned her tongue.

The three Gophers stared back at her, Sidney looked sheepish while Dani looked just plain guilty. But, it was Lee's face that scared her. The defensemen's usual cheerful grin was misplaced with a nervous frown, a dead giveaway she had something to hide.

"Lee..?" She drew out vowels, in a tone the reminded her of when she caught Stella chewing on her new tennis shoes.

Dani and Sid stared at their captain, uncertain about what she would say.

Amanda watched as Lee bit her lip, her gaze shifting around the room, refusing to make eye contact.

"I-I don't know what to say," Lee started, staring down at her feet. Amanda remained oblivious to the sound of a pair feet padding across the wooden floor behind her. "We weren't planning on, well she wasn't planning on.." She trailed off, her shoulders slumping in defeat. "I never should have texted you in the first place."

"She? What the hell are you talking about Lee?" Amanda prided herself on not losing her temper, but this was a different circumstance.

"Trust me, we all thought it was a bad idea, with the draft coming up and finals-" Lee stopped abruptly, her face hardening into a mask of confusion and concern.

Amanda glanced at the other Gophers, watching as a sudden realization dawned on them. Dani paled, and Sid began to fidget, twisting her hands together.

"You thought that what was a bad idea?" Amanda demanded, gesturing wildly with her hands, hot coffee narrowly escaping her mug.

"They thought that this was a bad idea."

Amanda knows that voice, and she turned around to find that she knows the person that comes with it. She knows that brown hair tangled up into a bun, and she knows those deep, dark brown eyes. She knows her. 

"Holy shit," is all Amanda can say as her mug slips out of her hands, shattering on the floor and warm coffee splatters onto her legs.


	4. Time Machine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You slammed that door and left me standing all alone  
> We wrote the story  
> We turned the pages  
> I should have seen it coming  
> It should have sent me running  
> That's what I get for loving you"  
> -Ingrid Michelson, Time Machine

Amanda had sprinted past her, grabbed her running shoes and headed out the door. 

"Kes! Wait! We should...." Hilary trailed off, as the screen door slammed shut. She shouldn't be surprised. She knew this was a bad idea, and judging from the way Amanda's teammates looked at her, they thought so too. 

She knew Lee from the Olympics and Worlds of course, and sort of remembered Dani from Worlds last year. The tall blonde was a mystery, but she wasn't giving her the death glare like Lee was, so Hilary assumed she was alright. 

Dani had just shook her head, muttered something under her breath and headed up the stairs. Hilary guessed she deserved it. 

The blonde at least introduced herself as Sid before she made a quick exit. A smart move on her part, because Lee was now ignoring her, and had placed herself farthest away from Hilary. Hilary was mildly impressed with that, seeing how tiny the layout of the kitchen was. 

So, Hilary was left to clean up another one of her messes that, this time in the form of lukewarm coffee and a shattered mug. After she'd thrown away the last coffee soaked paper towel and brushed away the ceramic shards, she studied her disapproving audience. Or lack thereof, as just the tall defenseman remained, now standing in the living room. Her steady gaze was hot on the back of Hilary's neck. 

Lee sighed, before she swung her long legs over the couch and plopped down on the worn down upholstery. 

"Well?" She gestured towards the spot next towards her, the universal sign for get-your-butt-over-here. Hilary choose the chair across the room, the safer route she hoped.  
Lee's glare intensified, "you know what I'm going to say right?" 

Hilary nodded, before she looked down at the maroon carpet, and studied her chipped toenail polish. 

"She's been hurt before and she doesn't need it again. Especially from you." 

What's that supposed to mean? Hilary wondered, sneaking a glance at the Gopher. 

Lee --who Hilary swore was some sort of mind reader-- raised her eyebrows quizzically. "After Sochi? The fact that you haven't contacted her at all in two years, two years!" She ran her fingers through her hair, suddenly looking more like the young twenty year old she was at the Olympics, than the mature veteran she was now. 

"I don't know? I just thought that maybe-" 

"Maybe what? That'd you could just come back here and think everything would be alright? Well, news flash for you, it's not." Lee cut in, her voice bitter. 

"And I know that, I-I just wanted to see her, I thought I could fix things. I guess I thought wrong." Hilary answered, her shoulders slumped. "I mean what was I even thinking? Getting on this plane, flying all the way here? This was a horrible idea." 

Lee looked at her, "first of all, you weren't thinking, and secondly," she added, her voice softening. "You're my friend and my teammate, and friends don't let friends do stupid things. Well, I failed you on that one but because you've flown all this way and are now sitting here in a pathetic mess-" 

"Whoa hold on, I'm not a pathetic mess." 

Lee studied the ratty sweatshirt that Hilary had may or may not been wearing for a solid three days. Hilary rubbed self consciously at the coffee stain on her sleeve. 

"Okay fine, maybe slightly." She admitted to the Gopher. 

Lee sighed, becoming serious once more. "When's your flight back to Boston?" 

Hilary was momentarily stunned and it must have shown on her face because Lee quickly corrected herself. 

"I mean, when's your flight back so we can figure out what to do about this whole thing. I wasn't going to ditch you out or anything. You know me, I'm nicer than that." 

"Wednesday, about three ish," she responded. 

"Do you have a place to stay?"

Hilary's cheeks reddened with embarrassment as she shook her head, "no, I thought that-oh forget about it." 

"You thought that what?"

"It's nothing," Hilary shrugged off Lee's question, toying with a hair band around her wrist.

Lee looked like she was going to press more into the issue, but thankfully she dropped the subject. "Well, maybe you could stay here, just for a night. I'll ask Dani and Sid what they think." 

"But, what about Kes-uh Amanda?" She corrected herself. 

"I'll leave you to figure that out by yourself," Lee answered, as she stood up and headed up the stairs.

Hilary remained on the couch, twirling her hair band around and around her wrist. A indent remained from the too tight band, red against her skin. 

Some hushed whispers came from upstairs, along with a few curse words. Not to mentioned the door slam that was accentuated with a rather loud "fine!"

Lee emerged, looking slightly more frazzled than before. "You're all set, Sid said she'd be okay sharing our room for tonight. We've got two beds, so you can take mine."

"What about you? Where will you sleep?" 

"I'm bunking with Dani for the night. She's got an extra bed, and I figured she'd be happier if I slept there instead of you." 

"No, I can just take the couch. You guys don't have to all this." 

Lee waved off Hilary's concern with her hand, "don't be ridiculous Knighter, we're fine. Now come on, you can bring your stuff up." 

Hilary headed up the stairs behind Lee, and found herself in a large hallway with several doors. Lee pointed out the bathroom, Dani's room (the door was firmly shut, no surprise there), and the room she shared with Sid. Both bedrooms had posters and pictures plastered over the boring white doors. 

But one door at the end of the hallway remained stark white, and slightly cracked open, just a sliver of light peeking out. Lee caught her looking at it, "that's Kess's room, she likes it quieter." 

She knew that, Amanda always picked rooms far way from the rest of the team at camp. Hilary tore her gaze away, and hesitantly entered Lee's room, behind the tall defenseman.  
The small room was slightly cluttered but in a homey sort of way. Hockey posters, a few strings of Christmas lights and pictures were scattered around the walls.

Sid was bent over a desk, laptop open, and surrounded by pens and pencils as she scribbled furiously onto an open notebook. Lee cleared her throat, and she looked up. "One second..." Sid stretched out the word as she finished writing and closed her laptop. "Sorry," she said as she gestured towards her desk, "l've got a big test tomorrow."

"That's alright, Hilary's just going to drop her stuff off and we'll leave you alone." 

"You can stay if you want to. To sleep or whatever, I don't mind." Sid said, as she and Lee looked over expectantly at Hilary. 

Hilary glanced out the window at the dark sky. She cleared her throat, "sure, that'd be great." She liked Lee, but she was tired and not sure if she wanted another lecture about how badly she'd screwed up. 

Lee and Sid looked at each other for a second, before Lee drifted back into her natural captain mode. 

"Here, I'll just grab some stuff..." Lee trailed off as her head disappeared into her closet. She emerged, laden with pillows and a blanket that she plopped down on her bed. "Let me know if you want more blankets or anything," she waved a hand vaguely at her bed, "it's pretty clean, I washed everything once I got back from Kamloops." 

Hilary placed her duffle beside the bed, as Lee grabbed some things out of her dresser. She turned around, maroon sweatpants in hand. "You're sure you don't want a late dinner? I think we've got some leftover pasta, and there's always yogurt." 

"I ate at the airport." 

"Okay, feel free to help yourself if you get hungry though. Oh, do you need a toothbrush or anything? We usually keep extras, although Kelly might have used our last-" 

"Lee. Hilary's fine, and I'm sure she wants to go to sleep now," Sid cut in, as Lee rambled on. 

Lee looked flustered, "oh, right. Well you're in good hands and I'm down the hall, if you need anything." 

"Thanks Lee," Hilary said, as the Gopher headed out into the hallway, her brown ponytail swinging behind her. 

"Just so you know, I'll be at this for like two more hours." 

Hilary rooted around in her bag for some shorts, "that's fine." 

"Okay, do you mind if I keep the desk lamp on?" Sid looked apologetic as she flipped nervously though her textbook.

"No problem," Hilary answered, as she grabbed her toothbrush. 

When Hilary came back, clad in her pjs with freshly brushed teeth, the lamp was on. She climbed Lee's into bed, the smell of coffee and oranges wafting up from the crisp sheets. She fools around on Snapchat for a while, but there's only so many bad selfies she can take before she gets bored and places her phone on the nightstand. Her phone looks out of place amidst the books and empty mugs that cluttered Lee's tiny table.

The desk lamp was turned off with a solid click. The floorboards creaked, as the goalie quietly shuffled around, preparing for bed. Hilary tried to look like she'd actually been sleeping. The bed squeaked as Hilary laid awake in the darkness, the light from the hallway peeking underneath the doorway. 

She watched the shadows from cars passing down the street, as they danced across the walls. Hilary drifted off eventually, her eyelids growing heavy as she listened to Sid's breathing growing deeper and deeper.  
__________________________

She's shaken awake, and stares bleary up at Lee. 

"Hey Knighter, we're gonna head out." 

The alarm clock reads 5:00 am, and she vaguely registered that Lee's fully dressed, with Dani and Sid standing in the doorway. 

Hilary mumbled out a reply, as Lee bounded out the door, saying something about early lift and leftover eggs behind her. Hilary shoved her face into a pillow and went back to sleep. She wondered how much coffee Lee drank.

Hilary's phone dinged, reminding her to wake up. So, she did and peeled back the layers of blankets, as she tentatively emerged into the world. Her bare feet danced on the cold tile in the bathroom, trying to escape the chill. 

Hilary padded down the stairs and slipped on her sweatshirt over her tank top. After a few wrong turns, she found the kitchen. Which, no doubt Lee had been too, judging from the note that was hastily scrawled onto a napkin; stating that at least one of them would be back at ten, there was eggs in the fridge and Amanda had slept over at Cara's. 

Hilary warmed up the eggs, scrolled through twitter and tried to come up with some sort of plan. The eggs were good, twitter was boring and she had no luck coming with a plan or anything (except the raspberry yogurt she found in the back of their fridge). 

So, she made Lee's bed and some coffee. She paced, folded the extra blankets, and spent at least seven minutes looking for a mug to put her coffee in. As she headed down the stairs to put her empty mug away, the door at the end of the hallway caught her eye. 

Hilary knew she shouldn't, but she turned the knob anyway. The room was simple, a bulletin board on one wall, a desk crammed in the corner, and some hockey equipment scattered about. It was dark, with just a few lamps providing faint light and dark curtains draped over the windows. 

She trailed her fingers over the smooth wood on the desk. The bulletin board had post-it notes stuck all over it. More post-it notes were scattered around on the desk, with reminders and quotes written on them. Hilary gave one last glance around, before she turned towards the door. She caught the edge of a nightstand with her hip, sending the books on it flying.

She knelt down to pick up the scattered books, a piece of paper fluttering out of one of the textbooks. Hilary was about to shove it back into the book and hope that it ended up in the right spot when she noticed it wasn't a bookmark, it was a picture. 

It was taken when they had announced the Olympic roster, at the Winter Classic. The whole team was lined up, a happy blur of red, white and blue. She remembered how cold it had been standing on that platform. The snow kept falling, and her hat and coat were soaking by the time they got back inside. Her face hurt from smiling afterwards, she was just so happy. Amanda had looked over at her, a smile stretched across her face, "we made it," she had mouthed over the roar of the crowd. 

The floorboards crunched behind her. Hilary whirled around, the picture crumbled in her hand. Her eyes widened, her face plastered in guilt. Hilary opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. A familiar blonde stood in the doorway, while Lee and Sid remained halfway up the stairs, apologetic looks on their faces. 

"You've got to be kidding me right now," Amanda glared at her, arms crossed and scowling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay a few things:  
> 1\. I'm obviously on a Lee Stecklein kick right now, I don't know why but what's not to love right?  
> 2\. I also don't know why the endings keep ending like this..it'll get better, I promise!   
> 3\. You might love me or hate me for this but I think I'm gonna make this a multi chapter fic. I know it says one-shots but I have more ideas for this plot/storyline, and I think you'll like it.  
> 4\. Since this'll (hopefully) be a longer story, I'm gonna rename it into something that isn't so one shot ish.  
> That's all, thanks for reading!


	5. i hate u, i love u

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And now all this time   
> Is passing by   
> But I still can't seem to tell you why   
> It hurts me every time I see you   
> Realize how much I need you"
> 
> \- i hate u, i love you, Gnash [feat Olivia O'Brian]

The last thing she wanted was to come back to her apartment and see Hilary still there. She also didn't want to storm off again, she could handle her problems like the mature adult she was.  
"Seriously? She's still here?" Amanda's voice was shrill to her own ears, a obvious sign that she was this close to full out yelling.

Lee looked apologetic, but she spoke firmly, "She didn't have anywhere else to go. Besides, I was pretty sure that you weren't coming home last night."

Scratch that, she definitely needed to rethink her try-to-be-a-mature-adult idea. "Fine, I'm going to the rink." She couldn't deal with this right now.

Hilary spoke up, still standing guiltily in her doorway. "Kess, can't we just talk? Please?" The desperation was evident in her voice, woven through it like a loose thread.

"I-" Amanda faltered, something in the way Hilary asked her was begging and pleading her to stay. What was she thinking? She couldn't stay. "Don't call me that."

She saw the way Hilary's shoulders slumped, but missed the way her face crumpled when she turned and headed down the stairs. She could feel Lee and Sid's disappointed looks tracking her out the door.

Amanda was still wearing her running shoes from yesterday, along with a t-shirt she'd borrowed from Cara. Perfect workout attire. She ran passed Ridder, and kept going until the sidewalk became less crowded and her legs ached. Amanda concentrated on the rhythm of her tennis shoes padding along the concrete instead letting her mind wander to other places.

Ridder was unsurprising empty when she walked in, but Amanda spotted a few tennis players on her way to the locker room. She wanted to get another workout in, nothing terrible just some lifts and a circuit that their strength and conditioning coach made for her. The locker room was locked, so she headed down the hallway towards the office to snag the key. She yanked the door handle, and nothing happened, she would have to check the trainers room.

The door was unlocked and lights were already on, which was weird because usually nobody else came in the afternoon now that the season was over. Not to mention, there was still two weeks until spring training when most of the team would be back. Amanda was about to grab the key from where it was hanging on the bulletin board, when she heard the faint thrum of music.

The trainers room was directly connected to their gym, save for a door that was covered in posters that read things like "drink eight ounces a day!" and "stretching saves lives!" Amanda frowned, if one of the girls was going to workout they usually texted her first, they knew that she could always use a workout partner.

The door was slightly cracked open, so she cautiously peered inside. Occasionally, some of the men's team lifted in here and the last thing she needed was an embarrassing glimpse of some sweaty hockey player. She poked her head through, grimacing as the familiar stench of the gym hit her.

From what she could see, the gym was empty, except for a jacket that was draped across one of the benches. Amanda squinted, next to the jacket was a lanyard. She could have sworn that it was the same maroon and gold striped one that hung up in their entryway.

On that maroon and gold lanyard hung Lee's keys. Because she was co-captain, she always had a few "extra" keys on there, ones that could get her into places like their workout room. Amanda scanned the room, the treadmills were empty, along with the elliptical and the weights.

Her eyes caught something, or someone for that matter. She was about to call out, when she realized just exactly who that someone was. Hilary sat hunched over on one of the benches. Amanda thought she was lifting weights until she noticed her shoulders shaking. She watched as the tall forward swiped angrily at her face, sniffing loudly. Something twisted in her stomach, and she bit her lip.

The music was loud, but she could hear the unmistakable sound that someone made when they were trying not to cry and failing miserably. Hilary was _crying_. Hilary was crying and it was Amanda's fault and Amanda didn't cry and Amanda was already halfway out the door, the locker key clenched in her hand.

Her hands shook as she frantically tried to unlock the door, desperate not to been seen and craving the familiarity of the locker room. The door shut behind her, and Amanda slid against it until she was sitting on the floor.

Amanda squeezed her eyes shut as she took one shuddering breath after another.  
She sat in the dimly lit locker room, waiting to hear footsteps or a knock on the door. Both never came, so she took one more shaky breath and stood up to turn on the lights.

She flicked on the light switch and padded over to her locker. Her planned workout was definitely out of the question now, so she slipped on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Amanda taped her stick methodically, winding the black tape slowly and surely around, heel to toe. She laced her skates, tightening one eyelet at a time until they were snug around her feet.

Amanda grabbed a bucket of pucks and turned off the lights on her way out. She took the long way out onto the ice, through the tunnel by the visitors bench because it was farther away from what she was scared of facing.

She dumped the pucks onto the ice and dragged a net on. A lap around the ice. Then another. She stopped in front of the net, and started shooting, puck after puck. Amanda cleared out the net and started again. Her breathing was ragged and Amanda grew more frustrated with each shot.

She groaned as the next shot hit yet another pipe. Amanda liked control in her life and this, this was not something she could control.

It wasn't her fault that Hilary had stupidly come all this way to see her. Her slapshot missed the net wide, ricocheting down the ice. Hilary always did that, tried to fix things that couldn't be fixed. Amanda was one of those things. Her next shot hit the crossbar with an unsatisfactory "ping". To make matters worse, Amanda almost wanted to talk to Hilary. Which was confusing because she didn't? Or did she? Amanda wasn't really sure of anything at this point.

Amanda did a couple more reps and finished off with a lap around the ice. She dragged the nets over to the zamboni door so the ice crew could grab them. She walked slowly back to the locker room, and slipped out of her gear.

The trainers room was dark when she went back to replace the key, and the door in between the workout room was shut.

That was fine. Amanda was fine. But then why did she feel like her whole world could come crumbling down with a single tap. One little nudge and Amanda would be right back where she started, a confused, frustrated mess. Hilary always seemed to be that little tap, that nudge that could break her down.

But, Hilary could build her back up and would somehow manage to repair the chinks she had made in Amanda's armor every time. Amanda scraped her sweaty hair into a messy ponytail and started the long walk back to her house.

____________________

  
Lee and Sid's room was always clean. But, this time it was too clean. The USA hockey duffle had disappeared from the foot of the newly made bed and there was no extra toothbrush sitting near the bathroom sink. Sid sat her desk, flipping through a textbook.

"Hey Sid," Amanda looked hesitantly at the goalie.

The textbook pages stopped moving,"Lee was worried about you, you left your phone and everything here."

"She's right, I was worried about you," The floorboards squeaked as Lee entered the room behind Amanda.

"I'm sorry alright? I just..." Amanda trailed off trying to find the right word. "I just need some time."

"That's understandable, but sometimes taking your time comes with consequences." There was a bite to her words, as Lee twirled her necklace, another one of her nervous traits.

"W-what do you mean?" Amanda glanced around the room, dread pooling in the bottom of her stomach. She knew what Lee was going to say even before she opened her mouth.

"She left Amanda, packed up her stuff and headed to the airport."

Amanda couldn't breath, "I don't..I need your keys."

Lee softened, "I don't think that's the be-"

"The keys," Amanda interrupted, "where are they?" She had to go, had to find Hilary and convince her stay even if Amanda didn't want her here in the first place.

She ran down the stairs with Lee yelling "top drawer, on the right" over her shoulder. She grabbed a sweatshirt and jumped into Lee's crappy car with the stupid pine tree air fresher dangling on the mirror.

Amanda fumbled around in her wallet and finally fished out the ten dollars she need to parking. She skirted her way around a large family of tourist and squeezed into an elevator stuffed with businessmen and briefcase. She tapped her foot impatiently her phone buzzed in her back pocket.

Lee: we're coming.

Amanda glanced up at the large board that flashed gate numbers and plane times as she desperately tried to figure out if Hilary would be going to Boston, Wisconsin or Idaho. Boston @ 6:30 Gate F5 was flashed at her in bright front. Her watch read 6:20 and gate F5 was all the way across the terminal. She took a deep breath and started to run. Her adrenaline rushed kicked in near the food court and Amanda dodged suitcases and scrollers with the athletic ease only an Olympian could possess.

"Now boarding, Minneapolis to Boston," announced a monotone voice over the loudspeaker. Amanda ran in a haze, bumping into travelers and getting caught in the crowd. She could see passengers checking their tickets and walking down the ramp that lead to the plane. Amanda was sure she could hear her heart beating inside her chest. The adrenaline had long wore off, so she stood shaking and wildly searching for the brunette she was desperate to find.

"Amanda! Amanda!" Someone was calling her name, but it didn't matter because she spotted Hilary, standing in line.

Amanda froze, she had gotten this far and didn't know what to do next. She didn't have to anything though, because Hilary turned around to see who was calling Amanda's name. Hilary's eyes caught Amanda's and she stared, wide eyed at her.

The noise of the crowd seemed to fade away, the oxygen rushed out of Amanda's lungs and there was faint hum in her ears. Her eyes were still locked on Hilary's, and Amanda wasn't sure if she shouted or whispered when she called after Hilary, "wait."

 


	6. slow it down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I never, she never, we never looked back  
> That wasn't what we were good at  
> And when it came to love  
> We were not good enough uh huh"
> 
> \- The Lumineers

Late February, 2014 in Sochi

Hilary woke up to find an empty spot next to her. The bathroom light was on. "Amanda?" She slipped put of the stiff hotel sheets and padded over to the bathroom to find the familiar blonde quietly shoving shampoo and a toothbrush into her toiletries bag. Amanda looked up at Hilary, startled. 

"Hils..." She trailed off, unsure of what to say. 

Hilary took in her red eyes and blotchy face. She stuck out her hand towards Amanda, "come back to bed Kess. Whatever's wrong I'm sure we can figure it out." 

Amanda's hands remained glued to her side, clutching her shampoo bottle like her life depended on it. 

Hilary took a step closer, "Kess, what's going on?" 

"I-I," Amanda faltered before she dropped her gaze towards the floor. 

Hilary rushed over, attempting to comfort the forward who shrank even further away from her. "Amanda?" Hilary's voice was filled with a twinge of hurt and disbelief. 

Amanda looked up, and gave a strangled laugh. She shook her head, "only you would be this nice to me when-" she stopped, unsure if she had said too much. 

"When what?" Hilary asked before the realization dawned on her. "Oh no. No, no, no." 

Amanda pushed past Hilary and unzipped her suitcase, placing her toiletries bag inside. 

Hilary followed her into the main part of their hotel room. " You can't be serious right now, this..this is ridiculous!" 

Amanda said nothing and kept on packing. 

"Where are you even going? What about Boston?," Hilary spouted out questions, her voice rising up into a shrill yell. She stopped closer to Amanda, her voice softening. "What about us?" 

The blonde foreword rose and stood by her bags. "It's not going to work, " Amanda said weakly as if she couldn't trust herself to say anymore. 

"What's not going to work? Us? That's bullshit and you know it Kess," Hilary spat out as she glared at the gopher. "What is going on with you?" 

"I can't do this anymore, I can't keep-"she shook her head, gesturing wildly around the room-"I don't want to do this. 

"Is this because we lost? Do..do you not want to come to Boston anymore? Tell me," Hilary pleaded, "I'm just trying to help." Her voice cracked, the anger drained out and was replaced with desperation. 

Amanda picked up her duffel and shouldered her backpack. She took a breath and steadied herself, " I don't want your help, I don't want to go to Boston okay?" Her voice was cold and firm, rehearsed almost. "and I don't want to do us anymore."

Hilary gasped and stood opened mouthed, stammering for something to say. She could only watch as Amanda opened the door, exposing the dim lighting of the hallway. Amanda held the door open with her hip, swiftly pulling her suitcase through after her. 

The door was almost shut when Hilary slipped through it, holding it open with her hand. "Amanda! Wait!" She yelled after her, the forward slowly slipping out of her fingers like water as she headed down the hallway. Amanda faltered for a second, and then kept walking. "Amanda!" Hilary's heart wrenching cry echoed down the hallway. 

The blonde disappeared around the corner and Hilary stood, frozen underneath the blinking hallway lights. "B-but I love you," she whispered, the words fumbling around in her mouth. Hilary turned stiffly and flinched as the door shut hard behind her. She laid on top of her bed, the crumbled up hotel comforter digging into her back. Hilary took ragged breathes, squeezed her eyes shut tightly, some how hoping that it was just a nightmare that she would wake up from. 

She'd open her eyes and Amanda would be standing at the foot of her bed, waking her up for breakfast. Amanda would grab her key card from the table next to the door and Hilary would tear apart looking for hers, finding it under workout clothes or shoved into a coat pocket from the day before. 

Hilary opened her eyes and stared at the blank beige wall across from her. Then, she curled up and fell into a restless sleep. 

______________________________

The sound of tapping jolted her awake and Hilary shuffled over towards the door. Meghan appeared in the doorway, a steaming cup of coffee held tightly in one hand. 

"Hey why aren't you two down at breakfast yet? We've got to get our tickets and boarding passes now, you know how hard it is to track down Andy after breakfast," Meghan rambled on and then peered around Hilary, glancing into her room. "Where's Kess? Did she head down to the cafe already?" 

"No," Hilary managed to choke out, fumbling with the ties on her sweatshirt. 

"Is she in the shower? Geez that girl and her showers," Meghan chuckled to herself. 

Hilary can only shake her head, no. 

"Well where is she? I swear, if you two are playing another prank on me..." 

Hilary gasped for air because she suddenly can't breath, can't think, can't do anything.

"Knighter? Hilary?" Meghan's voice sounded far away and Hilary somehow finds herself leaning against the wall, scratchy carpeting digging into her legs. Her heart pounded, and Hilary thought that if it pounded any harder would come right out of her chest. Meghan's kneeled in front of her, asking her something. Her lips moved faster, her face crumpled into concern, fear maybe. 

Her chest hurt. Meghan was holding onto something, a glass of water maybe? She wasn't sure. The lights were too bright. She still couldn't breath, choking on air like she was underwater.

Meghan held up her hand, extending her fingers one by one. Hilary squinted, trying to understand what Meghan was saying. She watched as Meghan counted on her fingers, taking exaggerated breaths in between. 

Hilary slowly followed her lead, gradually filling her lungs with air. Meghan came back into focus, the room seemed to dim. 

"-and keep breathing. Good, good that's great. Just like that, inhale and exhale," Meghan's voice was clear now and Hilary felt like she had emerged from underwater. 

She let out a shaky "okay". A plastic cup of water was thrusted at her and she took small sips, letting out ragged breaths in between.

They sat like that for a while, breathing in silence. 

"Why don't we get off this floor?" Meghan asked, and Hilary nodded her reply. She climbed unsteadily to her feet, as Meghan hovered around her. 

Hilary sat perched on top of her bed and felt Meghan climb up next to her. 

"How are you?" Meghan turned to look at her, the fabric of her jacket rustling against the sheets. 

"I-I'm," Hilary started before her chin began to quiver and she blinked rapidly.

"Hils?" Meghan's brow scrunched up into concern. 

"She left," is the only explanation Hilary could spit out, clenching her jaw tightly together. 

Somehow Meghan knows, or knew already for that matter. When she pulled Hilary into an awkward half hug, it was all Hilary could do not to cry. She took deep shuddering breaths, her chest heaving in and out.

"D-don't tell," she stammered, her words mumbled against the thick fabric of Meghan's sweatshirt. 

"Okay, okay," Meghan murmured her promise back, holding tighter onto Hilary as if she was scared she'd somehow float away. 

And Hilary can only sit back and watch as her own walls crumble down into pieces in front of her, the wet, warm tears that dripped down her cheeks distracting her from the heavy ache in her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long wait! Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter (and plot twist) as much as I like The Lumineers! Thanks for reading.


	7. Need The Sun To Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're all I want, so bring me the dawn  
> I need the sun to break, you've woken up my heart  
> I'm shaking, all my luck could change  
> Been in the dark for weeks and I've realized you're all I need  
> And I hope that I'm not too late,  
> I hope I'm not too late"
> 
> \- James Bay

Not much had happened since Hilary had stepped foot onto that plane. Amanda worked out with the team, on her own and with anyone else crazy enough to do bike sprints three times a day. She’d spent a nerve wracking week on the phone with the NWHL and mangers, before signing with the Riveters. 

Then, she’d moved and spent a whole weekend covered in packing tape and post-it notes and was now almost done with her two day drive to New York.  Lee had thrown her a surprise going away party before she left, and a large framed college was now carefully packed into her truck. 

She wasn’t that nervous yet, the going away from home part she had done before and hockey was hockey no matter where she played it. The gas station coffee cup rattled in the cup holder as Amanda contemplated what needed to be done once she got to NYC. Her housing situation was already set, she was sharing an apartment with Courtney and Kaleigh.  From the pictures they’d sent on the group chat, it looked nice and big enough to fit three hockey players and all of their stuff. 

She wished that Hannah was coming with, but she had stayed back in Minnesota to help the Whitecaps. Amanda knew that they needed some more star power to help their out league. Lee was back there too, starting her official senior year as a captain yet again. Amanda would see both of them at the USA camp and she knew that some of the Gophers had plans to come see her play over their winter break. 

Her blinkers clicked as she turned into the small parking lot, looking up at the apartment building she’d be calling home for the next seven months. Hesitantly, she slipped her duffle bag over her shoulder and headed towards the doors. Her fingers trailed down the apartment numbers, until she found one covered in drawings of tiny hockey sticks. She pressed the button and waited until the doors unlocked.

The intercom crackled to life, and Amanda grinned as her roommates announced,“it’s 234! We’ll be right down!” She stood in the lobby, stretching her legs that were cramped from hours in the car. 

“Kessel!” Amanda whirled around to find who was calling her name and was suddenly swept into a group hug. 

“We missed you!!” 

“Did you bring any other bags?” 

“Want us to carry your stuff?” 

Her roommates voices clambered over each other, rising in pitch and volume out of excitement. Amanda chuckled and soon they were all laughing. 

“Okay, okay,” Courtney said finally, “I guess we’re just a little bit excited.” 

Amanda grinned, “maybe just a little.” 

“I still can’t believe you’re actually here!” Kaleigh exclaimed, as they headed back outside to grab the rest of Amanda’s bags. 

“Me nether,” Amanda said softly before Courtney tripped over the curb, setting them off into another fit of giggles. 

————————

While the first couple of days in her new apartment seemed like a mix between starting college again and the types of sleepovers Amanda used to have when she was eleven, practice started to kick in and they were back into work mode once again. She was always busy, rushing between practices, workouts and squeezing the occasional interview in. She’d do anything to promote the league, but interviews were always so cringeworthy and Amanda hated people sticking cameras in her face all the time. 

She followed the Gopher games, shelling out seventeen dollars that could have be used to buy more stick tape for a BTN account. Amanda found herself just listening to her team, immersing herself in the comfortable chatter in the locker room and the chirps they shot back and forth on the ice. They started clicking more, their passing crisper, skates moving faster and Amanda found the back of the net more often than not. Their game schedule increased, and Amanda almost considered getting her arrow that she made Milica draw made into a tattoo, it felt so permeant. 

They played Boston a few times, pulling out a few ties and the occasional (extremely celebrated) win. She felt that nagging feeling after those games, and tried to hide away in the locker room as long as she could after them. Meghan had caught her gaze after one of their games and Amanda’s stomach turned every time she though about that sympathetic look that she had given her. She’d requested more interviews postgame after that incident. Amanda fell asleep on the bus rides back, replaying the games in her head. Buffalo was always a fun series, it wasn’t too far way and she loved playing against the other Amanda, who was always a steady force in the Beaut’s net. Besides, it was nice seeing a familiar face once and a while. 

———— —— ——— — — 

They had an off day, and both Courtney and Kaleigh were gone so Amanda had the whole apartment to herself. She stretched out on the couch, scrolling through Pinterest with a warm mug of coffee sitting next to her.  Courtney’s birthday was coming up and Amanda was planning to teach herself how to make a cake. She wasn’t really sure if she wanted to make funfetti or chocolate. But, then again she wasn’t even sure if they had cake pans, (they did, they were just hidden behind the crock-pot Kaleigh’s mom had made her bring). Amanda was just deciding on the funfetti when there was a light rap on the door. She placed her coffee mug on the floor before she made her way to the door. 

The dead bolt slid unlocked with a _click,_ and Amanda tugged on the sticky handle before the door finally budged and swung open. 

A familiar brunette stood in the empty hallway, toying nervously with the ends of her scarf. Hilary looked up at her, and Amanda couldn’t tell if there was relief or fear in her eyes. 

“Uh, hey?” Hilary cautiously questioned, as Amanda’s nagging feeling suddenly returning full force.

She took a deep breath, “I just made coffee, you want some?” 

—————————— 

Amanda settled herself on the couch, a fresh mug of coffee in hand.  Hilary sat across from her, she perched onto of the chair with her legs twisted underneath her.  Amanda looked up and caught Hilary’s gaze. 

“I-,” they both started, and Amanda gestured at Hilary to keeping talking.

“Thanks,” Hilary murmured before she began, “I-I guess I should start with an apology, well an apology for a few things. First of all, I really need to stop showing up unannounced, I’ve noticed that’s kind of a problem of mine.”

Amanda looked up from her mug, a soft smile gracing her lips, disappearing almost faster than it had appeared. 

“And second I…” Hilary trailed off as Amanda took a sip of her coffee. “And second, I guess I just need to apologize for everything. I..I really screwed up. I shouldn’t have showed up then and now.”

“Hils-Hilary,“ Amanda look up at her, cautiously peering over her mug. 

“I just missed you. I missed us and I was tired of you shutting me out.” 

“I’m sorry. And I’m honest,” Amanda paused, and this time Hilary gestured for her to continue. 

“I didn’t know what to do, after Sochi. My concussion came back and I just…didn’t know what to do.” 

Hilary rose from the couch, mug clenched in her hand. “I could have been with you! I could have _helped_ you Amanda. How was I supposed to deal with that?” 

“I know, I know. It wasn’t fair, especially to you.” 

“You’re damn right!” Hilary’s voice grew sharper, “ I wasn’t the one that left, and I’m sicking of being treated like it!” She waved her hands wildly, “Lee, Dani and everyone, they all think I left you.”  

Something twisted in Amanda. “ _I’m sorry,”_ she mouthed, the words stuck in her mouth because she still couldn’t figure out the right way to say it. So instead she said what they were both thinking, “but you didn’t.” 

“I know. I know I didn’t. I _know_.” Hilary said, like she was trying to to convince herself, like she had said it before. She had said it before, Amanda realized, with such sudden clarity that it made her choke back a sob that had somehow appeared in the back of her throat. 

“You know what else I know?” Hilary asked and Amanda can’t tell if she’s supposed to answer or not. Hilary continued, “I know that I missed you. I missed you Kess. I missed you everyday. I missed every thing about yo-” Hilary’s voice cracked for a moment, and she trailed off, her dark eyes staring straight into Amanda’s. 

Amanda’s scared now, scared that she’ll fall back in love, deeply and darkly like she did before. She’s scared that something will go wrong, and they’ll end up right back where they started from. She scared that everything will fine, that nothing will change. But, most of all, she’s scared of telling the truth, saying the words that she’s been biting back on her tongue. The words that used to end in a past tense but have suddenly found themselves in present tense. The words she’s been longing to say. 

“I love you.” The moment those three words left her mouth, she regretted it, and waited for Hilary to turn and walk out of the door.  And leave she thought, just like she did. 

\-------------------

Amanda clenched her eyes shut, waiting for the door to slam. The couch dipped down next to her, and Amanda slowly opened her eyes and stared down into her mug. “You-,“ she started, before clearing her throat, trying to keep her guard up, “you can leave.” She looked up and out the window. “If you want to,” she added, her voice growing fainter. 

The couch creaked again, and Amanda felt it spring back up next to her. She swallowed hard and blinked fast. 

“Amanda.” 

She didn’t look, just kept talking, “because I’m not really sure how this is going to work out. It’s probably for the best.” She rambled on, trying to disguise the slight waver in her voice. 

“Amanda.” This time Hilary’s voice was sharper, slightly concerned and Amanda’s name came out in a exasperated yet humorous huff. “Look at me.” 

So, she did. Opened her eyes to find Hilary kneeled on the ground below her couch. 

“I,” she said, and placed her hands on Amanda’s knees, “want you to know three things, number one,” Hilary stated, holding up a finger, “I forgive you.” 

Amanda looked down into her eyes. 

 “Number two,” she added, taking Amanda’s hands into her own, “I will _never_ leave you.”  

“Number three?” Amanda asked, eyes watering. 

“Number three,” Hilary pulled Amanda up from the couch and set her mug down, “I love you too, and if I know anything about us, it’s that we will make this work. _Together._ ”  

Amanda didn’t even notice the tears streaking down her face until Hilary had wiped them away, “you-you’re sure?” 

Hilary gave her a soft smile, “with you, I’m always sure.” 

Amanda felt herself being pulled into a hug, and let out a sigh of relief when she felt Hilary’s arm wrapped around her.

“I missed you Hils.” 

“Missed you too Kess.” 


	8. I Just Want You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So take it all away  
> If it isn't meant for me  
> I don't want the easy way  
> I just want you  
> They can give me everything  
> But at the end of the day  
> The only words I'll say  
> Is "I just want you"  
> \- Sara Bareilles

“Here you go, one hot chocolate.” 

Hilary grabbed the styrofoam cup from Lee and waited until she had turned around. “Lee? I thought I asked for coffee...?” 

She watched as Lee fumbled with the flimsy drink tray, a confused look on her face. “Are you sure? I’ve only got one one coffee left and I’m pretty sure that was Bri’s…” she trailed off, as Hilary tried and failed to hide her laughter. 

Lee glared at her, "coffee, yeah right," she huffed. 

Hilary snickered, “sorry, sorry,” she patted the open spot on the bleachers next to her, “here, sit next to me.” 

“Fine,” Lee huffed, reaching over to hand Brianna her coffee. 

The three lapsed into comfortable conversation, talking loudly over music and sounds of the rink. Hilary watched the fans file in, many decked out in Whales and Riveters apparel. The crowd cheered loudly when the players skated out for warmups, skate blades glinting and pucks filling the net. They cheered even louder when the lineups were announced, and the puck was dropped. 

Lee leaned over after Amanda had netted her second goal of the game and teaseling asked “she’s pretty good, huh?” 

Hilary grinned stupidly at her, “of course she’s good Lee, she is my girlfriend after all.” 

“What? No way, I haven’t heard that one before!” Bri leaned into their conversation, sarcastic as always. 

Hilary just laughed and waved at Amanda, who gave her the slightest wave back from the bench. She shrugged, still grinning as she looked over to see their friends reactions. Lee looked bemused and Hilary could swear she heard Bri mumbled, “fine, maybe you guys are a little cute.” 

“Aha! I knew it, hand over the five bucks Bri!” Lee cried triumphantly, as Bri protested valiantly. 

“I didn’t say they were cute, I said they were a little cute! That’s not even close!” 

Lee held out her hand, “close enough for me! Hand it over!” 

Bri reluctantly forked over the five bucks and then almost knocked over Lee’s coffee after Hilary tried to steal some of her pretzel. 

Hilary had never been happier. 

— — — 

The clock read 12 PM, and the muted television bathed the darkened room in an odd, hazy blue. Leftover bowls of popcorn sat on the coffee table and dirty dishes still remained in the sink. Hilary lay sprawled out on her couch, Amanda nearly asleep with her head in Hilary’s lap. She ran her fingers through Amanda’s hair absent-mindedly, stopping when Amanda stirred underneath her. 

“No, keep going. It’s nice,” Amanda protested, her voice thick with sleep. 

“It’s late, we should get to bed,” Hilary reasoned, carefully sliding off of the couch, pulling Amanda up after her. 

Hilary turned off the tv and padded down the hallway into the bathroom, Amanda following after her. She handed Amanda her toothbrush, the one she kept in the drawer Hilary left empty just for Amanda. They brushed their teeth quietly, bumping elbows in the cramped bathroom. By the time Hilary had finished washing her face and slipped underneath the covers, Amanda was already settled on her side of the bed, her hair piled into a messy bun and wearing one of Hilary’s old sweatshirts. Hilary cracked open the book she knew she would only finish a couple of pages of and turned on the lamp. She was halfway through her second page when Amanda rolled over, her head coming to rest on the edge of Hilary’s pillow. 

Hilary set down her book on the nightstand, “hey Kess?” 

“Mhmm..” Amanda muttered, opening her eyes to look up at Hilary. 

There was a long pause before Hilary spoke again, “you wanna move in? Like with me?” 

Amanda sat up, “really?” 

Hilary laughed quietly, “yeah, really.”

“I’d love to move in with you,” Amanda said, leaning in for a kiss. 

Hilary kissed back, and after a moment, came up for air, “I’d love for you to move in too.” 

— — — 

“Geez Amanda, what do you all have in here?” Brianna complained, hefting a large box up the stairs and setting it down on Hilary’s table. 

Amanda brushed her sweaty hair out of her face, “just a couple books, why?” 

“A couple? It feels like you shoved a whole library in here!” 

Lee peeled off the packing tape and began setting books onto Hilary’s bookshelf. “A whole library? That’s the best you could come up with?”

Hilary appeared, carrying three boxes and set them down with ease next to Brianna, “We’re not getting a library.” 

Amanda just laughed. This, of course, was before Hilary almost dropped a box of mugs down the stairs, Lee slipped and slammed her foot onto the doorway, Brianna accidentally unplugged the air conditioning, and they all discovered that the blue paint they bought was less of a “cloudless” and more of a “tropical teal”. 

Finally, they finished unloading and unpacking and collapsed onto the couch. They were all covered in paint, Brianna had dust smudged across her face and Lee was still icing her foot with the bag of peas Amanda found in the freezer. 

“Anyone want pizza?” Hilary asked and found herself shelling out thirty bucks for a large, half veggie, half pepperoni, with “three slices of just plain cheese” pizza. 

Four episodes of “Chopped” and two thirds of a pizza later, Lee and Brianna were saying their goodbyes and heading out for the night. 

“Thanks again!” Amanda leaned against the doorway and waved goodbye, laughing when Lee almost fell down the stairs waving back. 

Hilary wrapped an arm around Amanda’s waist, pulling her into an embrace. “Our friends are pretty great, huh?”

“Yeah,” Amanda laughed and titled her head up for a kiss, before taking off down the hallway yelling “I call the shower first!’ behind her. 

“Not if I get there first!!” Hilary yelled before running after her. 

— — — 

“You’re sure you’ve got everything?” Amanda asked, as Hilary zipped up her suitcase and piled it next to the growing pile of luggage and hockey equipment sitting next to her door. 

“When have I ever forgotten something Kess? Besides, I checked it all off with the list you gave me.” She waved the piece of paper in front of her as evidence. “Now, can we leave yet? Decks said she’d met us at the airport so we could get coffee together.” 

Amanda sighed heavily, “just give me a second to make sure I’ve got everything.” She ran her fingers through her already messy ponytail. 

Hilary set down her jacket, “can I help?” she asked hesitantly. 

Amanda waved her off as she dug through her backpack, pulling out a piece of paper—their schedule for that week. 

Hilary could sense the waves of frustration radiating off of her. “Is something wrong? Did I do something wrong?” 

Amanda didn’t reply, but Hilary could see her shoulders tense up and the way she gripped tightly on to the schedule, the paper crumpling beneath her hands. 

Hilary switched tactics, stepping closer to Amanda. “Remember what we talked about? If we’re gonna do this, we have to be able to trust each other, okay? If you let me know what’s going on, I’ll help you figure it out.” 

Amanda whirled around to face her, “I’m scared Hils,” she took a deep, shuddering breath, “I’m really scared.” 

“Of what?” Hilary reached for Amanda’s hand, her thumb rubbing small circles onto it. 

“I-I, just what if I’m not good enough? What if we get to camp and everyone’s better? What if I can’t keep up?” 

“Kess, you worked out all summer and with the Riveters. You’re practiced twice a week with the team and on your own. You’re scoring almost two goals a game. I wouldn’t worry about it. If anything, you’re coming back even better than you were before your concussion.” 

“You’re sure?” Amanda asked timidly, as Hilary tightened her hold on her hand. 

“Of course I am.” Hilary grinned at her, as Amanda placed the schedule back into her backpack and zipped it up. 

“Thank you.” 

Hilary looked briefly down at her phone, “uh Kess? We might have another problem. It’s 1:30.”

“And?”

“And our flight leaves at 2:30?”

“Shit.” 

— — — 

“I can’t believe you forgot your toothbrush!”

“Sorry?” 

“Are you doing this on purpose?”

“Uh, no?”

“You said you never forgot anything!” 

“I did? Well..that might’ve been a very small lie.” 

“Hilary!”

— — —  
“Ready to go?” Hilary opened her eyes to see Amanda peering down at her, already dressed. 

She rolled over and glanced at the clock, “Kess it’s not even 7:00 yet! You know practice is at 10:00, right?” 

“Yeah but Meghan said she’d meet us for coffee! And I we can get some of those little pancake things you like!” 

Amanda sounded so hopeful that Hilary had to bite back a grin. “Okay, okay I’m coming,” she mock-groaned as she climbed out of bed, untangling herself from the sheets. 

“Yes! It was the pancakes, wasn’t it?” 

“Maybe..maybe not,” Hilary’s reply was muffled as she slipped a sweatshirt over her head. 

“It was totally the pancakes,” Amanda teased, while she grabbed their key cards from the coffee table. She made Hilary put her’s there every night or else she’d inevitably forget it in her coat pocket and they’d have to spend seven minutes looking for it. 

They headed down to the hotel breakfast and Hilary reached out to grab Amanda’s hand while they waited for the elevator. She opened up Snapchat, and posted a few pictures of them, both giggling as cartoonish filters covered their faces, momentarily turning them into dogs and flowers. Hilary beelined to the pancakes while Amanda grabbed herself a cup of coffee and then they both made their way over to the table that Meghan had stalked out in the corner. A few of their teammates were already there, picking at their plates and waiting for their caffeine to kick in. 

“Nice sweatshirt Knighter!” Kelly yelled from across the room as the rest of her teammates erupted into laughter. 

Hilary twisted around to read the number on the back and grinned. In her rush to get out the door, she had unknowingly slipped on Amanda’s sweatshirt instead of her own. She glanced over at Amanda and blew her a kiss, riling up her teammates even more. She just laughed along with them, and then laughed even harder when she dropped half of her pancakes onto the floor and had to go back for more. 

— — — 

Hilary handed Amanda another styrofoam cup, and watched as her nose crinkled when she took a sip. 

“This isn’t coffee.” 

“Nope, it’s hot chocolate,” Hilary stated, placing her hand on top of Amanda’s bouncing knee, “you’re jittery enough without caffeine.” 

“I didn’t get any sleep last night, I need caffeine.” 

“Kess, I’m pretty sure none of us got any sleep last night,” Hilary said, and gestured around the hallway where their potential teammates sat, most of them had headphones in and anxious looks were displayed across their faces. 

“I don’t know what you’re worrying about, you already went and you kn-“ Amanda’s complaint was silenced as the conference room doors opened and Jincy walked out, players craning their necks to try and get a look at her face. 

Amanda glanced down at her phone, scrolling through the roster from their last camp, “hey!” she protested as Hilary grabbed it out of her hands. 

“Relax, you’re just stressing yourself out more looking at that stuff,” Hilary explained, placing the phone safely in her jacket pocket. 

Amanda glanced back at the conference room, her gaze settling back on the piece of paper taped haphazardly on one of the doors. USA Hockey was emblazoned on it, and underneath in smaller front, Olympic Roster Selections. 

Hilary reached for Amanda’s hand and threaded her fingers through Amanda’s, and they waited some more. 

— — — 

“Please give a warm welcome to your 2018 USA women’s ice hockey team!” The crowd cheered as the announcers voice crackled over the loudspeaker. 

Hilary stood next to Kacey and waited until the camera panned down to her. 

“Number twenty-one from Sun Valley, Idaho, Hilary Knight!” The crowd cheered louder as Hilary waved. The camera kept going, announcing Kacey and Alex’s names before it reached near the end of the row. Hilary could hear the crowd growing even louder in anticipation as the announcer shouted “number twenty-eight from Madison, Wisconsin, Amanda Kessel!” 

She looked over at Amanda, her cheeks flushed from the cold and her face stretched into a smile. Hilary gave a her typical, goofy grin back, and mouthed “we made it” over the roar of the crowd. 

— — — 

Hilary rubbed her eyes and grinned, reliving the moments of their gold medal winning game and the days leading up to it from the video clips she was slowly piercing together. She dragged a clip of the medal ceremony next to a photo of all the former Gophers. The room was dark, her laptop screen illuminated her face as she clicked her way through folders of video clips and pictures. 

“You should go to bed Hils,” Amanda’s voiced was groggy with sleep as she padded into the living room and leaned against the doorway. Her feet were bare and she was wearing one of Hilary’s old t-shirts that was so big on her it fell down almost past her knees. 

“Give me five more minutes, I’m almost done importing a couple more sound bites and I have to double check the audio levels before I can pick the right music.” 

“You know I have almost no idea what that means right?” Amanda asked, wrapping her arms around Hilary as the loose tendrils of hair escaped from her bun and slipped into her face. 

Hilary yawned, stretching out her arms, “it’s alright, I love you anyway.” 

“I’d hope so. Now would you please go to bed, it’s cold without you,” Amanda reasoned, resting her chin on the top of Hilary’s head. 

“Mhmm….oh I found it,” Hilary said, pulling Amanda in closer. “Remember this?” She pointed at the screen as a new video clip popped up and began playing. It was them walking down a hallway, hand in hand as they headed to their next training session. “Decks took it one day, and sent it to me along with one of her rants about how ‘we’re just too cute’ and how much it makes her want to barf,” Hilary chuckled softly, closing her laptop lid. 

Amanda murmured contently, leaning into Hilary’s embrace,“we are pretty cute.” 

— — — 

The rain drummed on rooftop of Hilary’s apartment as the light from outside gently faded away. The small but still functional kitchen was brightly lit and music played softly in the background. They didn’t get to eat together a lot, so when they did, Hilary tried to make it as nice as possible. She stood at the stovetop, stirring the bubbling pots on the stovetop every couple of seconds. The door opened quickly and Amanda slipped inside, dripping wet and holding a bag of forgotten groceries. 

She held up the grocery bag proudly, “I got the tomatoes!” 

Hilary set down her spoon, and grabbed the bag out of her hands, “you’re soaked!” 

“Yeah, it’s pouring out there,” Amanda said, scraping her dripping hair into a bun. She padded down the hallway and emerged with considerable drier clothes, a dark purple sweater hanging loosely over her small frame and her self proclaimed “weekend” leggings. 

Hilary pulled a slightly burnt tray of garlic bread out of her small oven, swearing as she burned her hand. 

“You good?” Amanda asked as Hilary stood next to the sink, running water over her burn. 

Hilary nodded, “yeah, all good.” 

Satisfied, Amanda went back to cutting up the tomatoes, while Hilary scraped off the burned section from her garlic bread. She finished the sauce while Amanda set the table and drained the spaghetti. Hilary ladled the sauce onto their plates and placed her slightly burnt but still good garlic bread on the side. 

They settled down at the table, lapsing into comfortable conversation about hockey, friends and how their day went. Empty plates and half full glasses of wine later, they were still talking. That’s when Hilary proposed, knelt down, told Amanda how much she loved her and how much she wanted to be together forever. It was very much them, no frills or crowds or anyone else. Just a private, intimate moment between them, they way that they both wanted. Amanda agreed and they melted together, lips on lips, leaving traces of dark wine on each others mouth’s and hands tangled into hair and sweaters. “I love you” was breathlessly repeated over and over again, as if they both wanted it engrained not only in their hearts but into their brains and lips. 

“I love you” was when Hilary woke up to Amanda holding two cups of coffee and they slipped on sweaters that lay discarded on the floor from the night before. "I love you" was when Hilary led Amanda to the rooftop and they watch the sunrise over cups of hot coffee and pulled their sweaters and themselves closer together. "I love you" was forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I can't believe it's over! Thanks for sticking around everyone, I hope you enjoyed this series as much as I did! As always, comments are greatly appreciated! Tell me what you liked, what you didn't and if you have any requests, I'll take those too! Thanks, Boj.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you like it! As always, open to comments, questions and pretty much whatever else you might have!


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